The Dark Side - by Jeff Davidson (Originally published April 16, 2013)
The Dark Side
Originally published April 16, 2013 by JEFF DAVIDSON
Last week, we had our annual IEP meeting for our son, Jon Alex.
This particular meeting carried more weight than many in the past. For the last several years, Jon Alex has been in the same Comprehensive Development Classroom (CDC), with the same teacher, at the same school.
With his autism and cerebral palsy, the team that has supported him has poured their hearts into his growth.
They know him as if he were one of their own children.
But next school year brings a major transition—he’s moving from middle school to a high school with 2,300 students. That means a new teacher, new school, new environment, new therapists, new assistants… new everything.
If you’re raising a child who is neurodivergent or has developmental disabilities, you understand how challenging changes in routine and structure can be.
And dads—you know how tough those changes can be on your wife, too.
As we sat in the conference room, my mind kept drifting to the reality that my son is going to high school. I thought back to my own high school experience and began comparing it to what his will look like.
Jon Alex is nonspeaking and has mobility challenges. His school day will center around therapeutic services and individualized instruction designed to build functional skills. The more I dwelled on this transition, the closer I came to what Becky and I call “The Dark Side.”
Becky and I use “The Dark Side” to describe those moments of temporary grief, discouragement, or emotional heaviness that sneak up on you as parents of a child with disabilities. Many professionals will tell you that you have to walk through the grief process and eventually come to peace.
But here’s what I’ve learned—as a dad and as a pastor who supports families with disabilities:
That process doesn’t happen just once. You go through it again and again, in waves, over time. And you and your spouse won't always be in the same place emotionally. One of you may be deep in it while the other is just finding light again.
For me, it’s transitional moments that often bring those feelings to the surface:
The first time I had to shave my son’s face—and realized I may be doing this every day for the rest of his life.
When kids his age started applying for driver’s permits—and their dads were shopping for cars.
Every fall, when football season starts and families make plans to attend games together.
We all have certain triggers that bring us close to the Dark Side.
So over the years, we’ve created a few ground rules to help us navigate those moments and come through them stronger:
Ground Rules for Surviving a Walk on the Dark Side
Only one of us can go there at a time.
It’s easy to get pulled into each other’s heaviness—but that doesn’t help anyone. So we’ve agreed that only one of us is allowed to “go there” at a time. The other stays steady and helps keep perspective.You can’t stay there too long.
We give each other 24 hours. After that, we have to help each other out of it. Staying in that space too long can be mentally and emotionally draining. The key is giving space—but not letting each other get stuck.You need a trusted lifeline.
Whether it’s a spouse, a close friend, or a fellow parent who “gets it,” everyone needs someone who can throw them a lifeline—someone who will check in and offer support without judgment, advice, or commentary.Don’t fear the Dark Side.
It’s part of the journey. You can learn, grow, and gain deeper compassion by walking through it. But the rules matter—especially when it comes to not staying there too long.
You were chosen for this. You were called. Stay committed.
UPDATE FROM BECKY:
Out of all the practices Jeff and I put into place as parents of a child with complex needs, this one—our “Dark Side Rules”—has helped me the most. I can’t even count how many times we leaned on those simple guidelines to get through some of our most difficult seasons. They gave us structure when emotions were overwhelming and helped us protect our connection as a couple.
Now, as a widow and a solo parent, those rules still matter—just in a different way. When I feel myself slipping into that mental and emotional pit, I have to be intentional about reaching out. I’ve learned the importance of being vulnerable with people I trust and letting them know when I’m drifting toward the “Dark Side”. I can’t do this alone—and I was never meant to.
That’s why community is essential. We need people in our lives who can sit with us in the hard moments and gently speak hope and life back into us. We need people who won’t fix it, won’t rush it, but will simply show up and stay.
So let me ask you:
Do you have people you can count on during your darkest days—those who won’t judge you, but will lift you?
Are YOU willing to be that kind of person for someone else?
If the answer is no, it’s not too late to start. Build those relationships now. Find your people. Be honest. Be present.
Because while the “Dark Side” may be part of the journey—we were never meant to walk through it alone.